Remember to turn on the light.

There are alot of things in life youre prepared for. School,Marriage,Children.  As a (retired) army wife, youre prepared for alot more. Separations, deployment,TDY…the works. 

In life there are more things youre unprepared for however. One thing that I feel completely blindsided by, even though I have known the day was coming for five years now, is the start of Kindergarten for my oldest son. Ive known this day would come, Ive known he would have to spread his wings and start this educational journey. Im prepared for THAT. What Im not prepared for is letting go. 

He has been my little buddy since day one, since we found out we would be welcoming him into this world. He’s been a part of me, like the shirt I wear on my back. He has been my little ray of sunshine and oats. 

We’ve been through hell and back. Deployment, FTX, Hub’s surgery. He was my rock and he didnt even know it. Now its time for him to start this new adventure and I feel like Im losing a part of me. 

I know it has to happen, and I am so proud of him and how far he’s come in his young life. The obstacles he’s overcome, the limitations we thought he’d have he’s busted through them. Autism stared at him, he stared at Autism and he won. We are starting school, on time, with kids his own age. 

Yes, its a special needs program but barely. Its just a little under the Gen-Ed program, and he’s still learning everything a typical kindergartener would. My heart swells with pride. I am so blessed to be sending him on this journey. We have been blessed to have a child that isnt so far down the spectrum that education is last on our list to maintaining a balance. 

Tomorrow is his first day of Kindergarten. What are my hopes and dreams for him? That these next thirteen years are successful and bright for him. I pray that he has an easy road to go, and that the obstacles we’ve faced this far, and the lessons we’ve learnt from said obstacles, will carry him through any other he may face. I want him to realize his dreams. I want him to be what he wants to be. A Doctor. He constantly tells us he wants to be a doctor. I can see that, and I will do anything to help him realize that dream. I will push and pull and be a voice for him. 

To my little man, My little ray of sunshine and oats, No matter what curves in the road there are, no matter what life hands you, remember that Mommy is always here. Never let something become too much, never try to bare the weight of the world on your shoulders. Let me carry it with you. Let daddy, figgy, and jellybean help you. Never feel hopeless. ‘Remember, Light can be found in the darkest of times, If one remembers to turn on the light.’ I love you buggy.

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Summer time summer time.

Lately things have been so incredibly busy. As is most of life with three kids. 

Bubman starts kindergarten on September 4th. I cant believe I have a kindergartener. My mind drifts off to five years ago, I had a two month old baby, exhausted all the time because he never slept and he was colic. Then we went from that to saying goodbye to daddy, who deployed for a year. It was 12 months with just bubman and I. He was my little buddy, my best friend during that time. I was witness to all of his firsts alone. Words,crawling,steps, first real food(not that mushy stuff ick), trick or treating for the first time (For real, his first halloween was just me carrying him in a pumpkin costume at the mall trick or treat event), first real thanksgiving. He and I were alone in it together. He was my little buddy. MY little man. To say Im feeling really rather emotional is an understatement. Of course, HE isnt. He’s excited. ‘I get to see my friends soon mommy.'(Friends he sees once a week at play dates mind you. He hasnt been friend deprived all summer, though he may act like it). We had his kindergarten open house today, and it hit me really hard just how big he has gotten. He has gone from my little curly haired toe head to my opinionated ‘Mommy, this is SUCH a waste of time!’ little boy. WHEN?!

Then we have Figgy. He’ll be starting pre-school this year. He’s excited to follow in his big brother’s foot steps.  He’s excited to be riding the ‘puppy bus'(the buses are labeled per the group that rides the bus), He’s excited to be getting his back pack, all of HIS supplies and what nots. We start his testing on august 30th, to see what if any thing is ‘wrong’ with him(I use wrong lightly because to me special needs isnt something that is wrong per se). So much going on with him this summer too. He was the first of my kids to break a bone. Yep. Broke his poor middle finger while playing outside with his big brother. The nail finally fell off. We’ve had testing all summer at the school to see where he lies. His language is beyond where it should be which makes me VERY happy. ‘

Then there is little lady. She’ll be one in two months. WHERE did this last year go exactly? She’s pulling herself up to standing position, though the kid cant crawl correctly to save her life. She army crawls. She cut her first tooth and she’s still bald…at least she’s got some of daddy in her ;). 

Ive been doing alot for myself this summer too. I recently finished GISHWHES(Greatest international scavenger hunt the world has ever seen) with team subtext. So excited to see where we placed. Last year I didnt do it because I was rotundly pregnant…they placed in the top last year. I knocked something off my bucket list while doing this. Indoor skydiving. Yep. One of the items was to eat a sandwich (bonus points if its a sloppy joe, which I did)in an indoor skydiving wind tunnel. Probably one of my favorite experiences. I also completed ‘Selling an e-book to Jeff Bezos, ceo of Amazon.’ He was so kind about it. Indulgent. Thanks Misha Collins, youre super number one ;). 

Hubs has been feeling pretty good this summer too. He’s taken up gardening, which we’ll also refer to as the great war against the voles 2013. Yes, our back lawn is a mess due to voles tunneling it up. They destroyed a good portion of our back garden, our front, which consists of cucumbers, is doing fabulous though.  Im excited for fresh veggies. Im hoping our tomatoes come out soon so I can FINALLY have some fried green tomatoes. 

Over all, its been a busy summer. Im excited to see where fall leads us, with baby girl’s birthday and both boys in school half day. Maybe I’ll eventually get to clean my house??? 

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Swelling

My husband has been blogging alot lately and its really taking off for him. Ive always been the ‘Resident writer’ of the family until he began blogging. The other night he brought up to me, something that had ‘kinda’ been bothering him. He asked me how I felt with him doing all of this writing, because I was always the writer and now its doing so fabulous for him. 

To be honest, not even 24 hours before, I had thought about how it made me feel. I thought to myself ‘ He best be glad Im not the overly jealous type to be angry that he’s doing so well and Im in a writers rut.’. Most people in a relationship would feel some sort of jealousy or envy towards their partner if they suddenly started doing better at something the other was good at. Not me. I feel incredibly proud of him. I feel like I should be helping him as much as I can to get his words out there.

Why? Because this helps him. It really does. His ptsd has been minimized to the point where he’s managing it so much better then he ever did before. He’s getting his thoughts,emotions and every damn dirty demon out. He’s running again, he’s gardening, hes over-all a happier person. Yes, he’s still moody, and sometimes unbearable but I think thats a human thing. He’s almost able to move on past issues then he is lingering on them. Or when he lingers, he doesnt dwell and let them haunt him the way they used to. 

There are a million and one ways that people suggest ‘helping’ with ptsd from the typical therapies, the frowned upon drinking and partying to the controversial use of Marijuana. He’s been through therapy and not a single one helped him for more then a few months without trying to push another pill down his throat. We’ve been through the drinking and many nights spent in the shower telling him he did in fact deserve to live to discussing the use of Marijuana. Ive always been anti-drugs. They tore apart my family as a teenager. However, I would be open to Marijuana if it were possible to help him. 

I never thought he would be interested in writing. He has always told me he was never any good at english or writing. When he told me, after thinking about my suggestion to do so, he was going to start a blog, it completely blindsided me. It was one of those things you suggest that youre almost a hundred percent sure went in one ear and out the other with out stopping for lunch. 

He started off with news, collecting the daily news and putting it in one place so that its easy for others find,read and enjoy. Then he did personal pieces about his running,his ptsd and finally his demons he was battling. 

To say Im proud of him is an understatement. I dont know how to explain how I feel about it. Its not jealousy,anger or envy. Far from it. 

He’s come so far in the last eight months, the last year, that He’s almost a brand new person. I cant believe it sometimes, but others, when theres that flash in his eye that shows he is struggling, I know. I know its still there. It will ALWAYS be there but its more manageable now. 

Pride is a word I would use because I have no other word TO use. I guess Im more dumbfounded then anything. He’s doing something I didnt ever imagine him doing and to say Im THAT WIFE right now; The one who is holding her head high knowing he’s winning battles with PTSD…Im that wife right now.

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Does Porn Bring Couples Closer Together?

The other side of the ‘Porn’ Coin.

Everyone Loves Sex: So Why Wait?

computer no porn

Pornography is appealing and attracts millions of viewers a day. Some believe it is destructive and others believe it can bring couples closer together. I lean toward the side that it is destructive. But others I have been dialoguing with believe just the opposite.  I’ll present my case and hopefully others will bring the other viewpoints as well.

In my conversations with others about this topic I have learned that many couples watch porn together as a way to stimulate their sexuality and as a way of the couple being more creative in the bedroom. They will also argue that they are not hurting anyone by watching a video privately in their homes. Below is a response I posted to one of these individuals. I think it was a healthy dialogue. Again, you can check out the entire conversation here.

A little while ago, I watched a debate between…

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Pain and accomplishment

Another one from the hubs, His views of the day.

Republic

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Today I had a wonderful day.  My family and I went to the beach for my niece’s birthday.  Even though crowds make me very paranoid, I went.  The reason why I went is very simple, my wife, children and I wanted to go because we love our niece very much.  She is a beautiful and amazing little girl, who is at an age where she is making friends with adults.  Her and my wife are very good friends and my wife is her confidant.  We had a great time, even though the crowds began to get on my nerves.  People continued to encroach on our little gathering and I began to feel threatened, as if these people were thinking about taking my little daughter sitting in her car seat, or my assault pack which had my wife’s wallet.  To me it appeared as if they were glancing hungrily at what…

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Wild hair pt.2

Im fairly certain this wild hair has grown into several hairs. Im comparing them to weeds now. Yes. Because the boys have been on a streak from hell lately…and thats being nice. On top of that baby girl is full on teething(I suspect a tooth will be in any day now). It must be that buggy is home from school all day every day now that bean is just bouncing off of his energy and vice versa. 

I.am.desperate! Time alone with my husband that isnt after 1130 pm sounds like a dream!

Yes, Im complaining. Im allowed to I think…right? Sigh. Well if not, feel free to breeze over this blog because honestly thats what the first half is all about.

On to other matters. Yesterday was our niece’s 10th birthday party. They held it at the beach the town over. Needless to say, a warm Saterday afternoon, the beach was swimming(no pun intended) with people. Families having bbq’s, families swimming, families being rude. Children were left unattended, people rudely bumped into one another. It was a mess, but it was a good day. 

Hubby was a nervous mess from the get go. He popped valium like it was candy,BUT he forged on, even getting in the water with the kids while I watched on with little bit. Whatever demons he was fighting didnt break through as we ‘partied’ on. Finding his groove, he helped string the pinata, helped the kids gather candy, swam, and played the role of ‘normal’ as best he could. 

As the day wore on though, his walls were rapidly crumbling as people began to encroche on our personal space, planting themselves right in our little gathering as if they belonged, letting their pets run wild. It was obnoxious, even for someone like me who doesnt have demons to fight. He fought hard though to provide the kids with a good experience. They were certainly none the wiser as they ate,drank and beat at the poor pinata as if it were their brothers or sisters stealing their favorite toy. 

His PTSD is something we’ll always battle. Some days will be better then others and some days will be down right hell. But its a war he brought home with him that we, as his family, have enlisted to fight. I will stand by him and help him battle his demons one by one but yesterday, just like the fourth of July, he won that particular battle. He set out to have a good time and he did. I am one proud wife. 

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A wild hair…

Today was one those days. So much to get done. Laundry, cooking,mopping/scrubbing cabinets(they were FILTHY)/baseboards,vaccuming you name it. All the works. After last night,with fireworks and celebrations, I had no motivation to do it last night. 

I started the day off just horridly. I could NOT wake up and I felt hungover, even though I had ONE glass of wine yesterday. I dont drink often, and never in excess because as my husband would tell you, I cant handle my liquor. Headache,exhaustion,nausea(and NO,Im not pregnant. THAT Cant happen, tubes tied!!!). Well…it seems the boys(and babygirl) woke up with wild hairs up their butts. Babygirl woke up at 730 this morning screaming bloody murder. Fed her and still fussy. Changed her butt. STILL. So we cuddle. She lays for a few minutes and by now she’s up, ready and rarein’ to go. Sigh. Well, the boys werent up yet. So we stayed in my bed until they woke up. 

They were pretty fine until around 1030ish(which I was passed out on the couch napping off my hangover feeling). I could hear them jumping off the ceiling so to speak. Im finally able to wake up and begin the day…properly for lack of a better word. I dont think I could turn around with out the boys acting like fools and just doing or getting into something they shouldnt.

It made me feel so incredibly overwhelmed, more so then usual. All I wanted to do was crawl in bed with a book,a nice fire burning, some blankies…Kinda like a hobbit hole. More and more so, Ive been feeling like I just need five minutes away. Thats honestly all I want, actually more like a few hours, alone, with hubs. A date. 

We havent been on a date in YEARS. Literally YEARS. The last time we went on a date was in november 2011, so coming up on two years. I feel like a terrible mother for saying that, but on the other hand what mom of any amount of children doesnt feel that way from time to time? I feel I need a rejuvenation of sorts. Dinner,some fun alone time with my husband. I want to get dolled up in a pretty dress and heals, and just be ME again for a little bit. 

My heart breaks saying that I want time away from being a mommy. I know that some people may think Im a bad mom for saying things like that. 

It was just one of those days where disappearing for a few hours just feels right.

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